Mother of Two Seeking Time
I need more time, not just for myself, but with each of my daughters. Caring for both of them at the same time means that usually Sara Ellen gets less attention than she used to, and that I have less time to just focus on Eliza. That might be one of the hardest parts.
I know Sara Ellen gets frustrated a lot because I am frequently telling her I can’t do something or don’t want to go somewhere. I am constantly having to hold Eliza, feed Eliza, change Eliza, but I don’t think those things actually bother the big sister as she actually said the other day “I don’t care”. It’s odd that I can appreciate Eliza the most when I’m changing her. She’s lying there, often happy, cooing and so warm and soft. Then there are the rare occasions when she is happily sleeping without me that I can focus on Sara Ellen. When I can’t focus on her, our relationship is distant and I feel my words become commands instead loving responses to her needs.
When do I get time to myself? All to myself? When both girls are sleeping or the infrequent, but semi-regular times that Sara Ellen goes somewhere with Tim, though that just means I’m on my own with Eliza, which, as I said, is rare. I do miss dancing now more than I have in a while. My muscles miss the push and pull and the creative exercise. It’s always hard to get started in a new place, especially when you have no connections, especially when you have little ones, when you leave behind the family caregivers, and when you’re in a less than fit physical situation and would prefer a familiar place.
All this time split between my girls means I do very little else and even the necessary tasks are a challenge: making a meal, washing or brushing, going anywhere. I have managed to accomplish a few things.
Thursday we were dressed and out of the house around nine, which is usually when Eliza takes her first nap (I don’t know how many she takes because they are often interrupted), and headed for the Palo Alto Jr Museum and Zoo. Not only is it a small museum and zoo, it is situated right next to a park with a playground. We arrived early but instead of using the playground, Sara Ellen played on the stump labyrinth right outside as others arrived. Sara Ellen enjoyed the exhibit for an hour and then we headed to the playground, she isn’t thrilled by the zoo. Though I’m sure she would have stayed for at least an hour, we were both getting hungry and I had not brought along lunch. It was a little brief but we did get out for something fun. In the afternoon we walked to Trader Joe’s for a few groceries with Eliza in the Ergo. Then we managed to make banana muffins together which came out tasty and moist. After these activities, Sara Ellen wanted to go back out. I sure hope pre-K gives her enough activity. And this week Tim has been working late every day, usually arriving as getting ready for bed.
Today started with Tim home, we played a couple card games together. But he had to head in and so I had another solitary afternoon ahead of me, all the while Eliza was falling asleep but waking after 10-20 minutes. I did a lot of walking and bouncing. For quite some time, Sara Ellen has been watching an afternoon movie or show. She’s quite accustomed to this and because it has given me free time, I don’t often revoke the privilege. For a while now in the morning she anticipates what she will watch. My behavior has made her expect it, she doesn’t ask anymore, and she expects or at least hopes to watch while eating lunch. This is my fault, I have allowed it. I have stopped the living room lunch. When watching, she hasn’t even finished the movie and she is asking about watching something else afterward, and watching extras. I am silent and stunned that she is asking me this, but it’s my fault. This afternoon I told her as usual, watching a movie is supposed to be a treat, it’s not right for her to expect it and wait all morning for it, then not appreciate it, then get upset because she can’t have more, “I’m sorry but you can’t watch anything”. Tears. Very unhappy tears. But, haha, here comes a rolly-polly potatoe bug. Diversion, “look Sara Ellen, that little bugs rolls into a ball if you touch it”. She’s intrigued, and uses her finger even though she’s been anti-bug lately. Maybe Fancy Nancy: Explorer Extraordinaire has helped. She rolls it, pleased, then gets a toy knife to use instead of her finger. I’m so grateful for our little backyard garden. I read two Angelina Ballerina books then transfer upstairs because Eliza sleeps and hopefully will continue if I lie down. Later the mail comes and, in addition to two likely birthday presents is an expected box from my sister containing parts for our stroller, enabling me to get the baby bassinet together for walks. We haven’t gone walking at all together. Our community is small and the closest park isn’t too far but I’d rather not be carrying Eliza. We get the stroller put together, ourselves put together and head out. Hooray! Car-free and exercise. Eliza fell asleep and Sara Ellen kept a good pace. Then she got about two hours of play, thankfully with some other girls. It was about six I think (I’d forgotten my phone) when we left and Sara Ellen slowly but successfully made it home. I even agreed to let her swim. Her new suit from Lands End is a long sleeve rash guard SPF top and skirt so I didn’t have to apply more sunscreen. With the stroller, I could put Eliza down if I had to. So Sara Ellen got more refreshing exercise and I got to tell her “yes”!
Come back inside, make some dinner, bathe Eliza, take her to Daddy, bathe Sara Ellen, curl up together (little one has miraculously fallen asleep [for the night] and let Daddy put her down) and I read Tales of Beedle the Bard, leave her in my room and watch a movie uninterrupted with the husband!
Yes! to read books. Yes! to playing games. Yes! to going to Grant Park. Yes! to swimming.
Now, to sleep, hope my neck stops hurting, and on to another day.
What a great day you had together – well done.
I think you’re asking too much of yourself though. Children are very robust actually, a normal, healthy child like Sara Ellen can deal with you being busy. In my view (and from experience) it’s good for a child to be pushed to play alone and use their own imagination – as long as the “push” is due to natural circumstances (e.g. parents being busy and the child understanding why).
(I’d never “fake” a situation where the child is told to go play alone just out of principle because I think it’s good for them. I tell them “I’m busy doing [...] so please figure out something to do on your own. If you make something interesting I’ll come and look. Have fun!”).
Regarding training, what about putting some music on and moving around a bit with Sara Ellen and Eliza? I know it’s not the same as a class and you’ll still miss the focus and the real push of the class situation, but it’s something you might enjoy and they might too. If your garden is private enough perhaps you can even do it outside?
Now, I hope I don’t come across as an overbearing “knows-it-all” advisor.. and hope you’ll enjoy yourself and find energy for all things you want to do.