Parents – The Long, And Not Very Short Of It
How are we like our parents? Some things are obvious to see; the way we are built, or facial features. Other things are harder to see, the kinds of choices made and how those are influenced by our personalities. Though some folks may look very little like one or both parents, but act very similarly. One friend of mine is reading a book to discover habits she learned from her mother so she can decide what personal traits she wants to pass on to her own daughter. Another friend asked if I could see anything of one parent, when it’s usually traits of the other that are clearest.
Even as young children, even before birth, we have our own personality. It’s demonstrated in how we communicate, how we move, and behave. It’s all there inside us, and develops more and more as we age and face new challenges. I do see many reflections of my parents in myself, they just show through in my oldest child, “jumps into things”, slightly hot temper-ed self. It’s not so strange that children make decisions similar to their parents. Sometimes those choices are because of similar personalities, or values that one has grown into, even if the parent and child don’t see eye to eye. Then there are the choices that are made opposite of the parents own, because of the child’s disagreement. What I find strange, is not how my choices and desires have been close to my mother’s, but how events of our lives have happened similarly.
The name Ellen is not the only thing passed down in this line of women, but the desire to have children and focus on their upbringing. Though my mother was raised in an army home and her first longest residence was during high school in Connecticut, after her father’s retirement, she was surrounded by the love of her parents and the friendship of her brothers. That is still the case, despite the passing of her parents. Many of their traditions, at Christmastime for example, extended into my childhood, and are now making appearances in my family. I have also grown up with my siblings as good friends. I may have spent more time with them than in seeking other friends. We enjoy eachothers company, delight in eachothers talents and successes. As a family we just like to be together, and we’re good listeners, though Tim and I both know that I often jump in with my thoughts to quickly. (I think that may only happen with him. Tell me if I’m mistaken. 
) As for the similar events, those have happened in similar timing without plan. Just like Sara Ellen, I was born about 3 months after my parents first anniversary. Like Sara Ellen, I moved from my first home (in Arlington, VA) to my second around 3 months of age (the same house for both us which from the outside, looks remarkably the same as it did in 1981). What is different now, is that my mother has lived in that home longer than any other, 28 years. I spent my first 23 in it (despite “moving” to college) and now I have done my share of moving around. Now in our fourth home, Sara Ellen will be 4 1/2 when her sibling is born. I was close to five when my sister was born. With all these events, one part quite scares me and I hope my mother won’t mind me mentioning it. Sometime after my birth, she had a miscarriage at 5 weeks then another later at 14 weeks. That was the reason for the time between myself and my sister. For us, it’s been mostly waiting for the right time and place. This is technically my third pregnancy, I also had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. I have been praying constantly that I will skip that 2nd and also have my 2nd child before the five birthday of my 1st.
~My mother also passed on a creative gene to all of us. We all practice the performing arts: Michael taught himself to play the guitar and other instruments, Emily and I both dance. Michael also has been a cartoonist. In addition, Emily and I practice the practical arts like Mom who sews, knits, crochets, embroiders, etc., etc. Emily took on the knitting and has even made Sara Ellen some clothes. I have attempted knitting once or twice but it just doesn’t stick in my head; I love to bead, making jewelry for myself and others. I used seed beads and weaved tiny friendships bracelets years ago, but once one Christmas more recently I started beading for presents and then even more for myself when I got my ears pierced.
~We favor comfortable living spaces. Not big event planners, us, but we do like to have the people we care about over for relaxing fun. Birthdays have always been fun, with the celebrant in mind, and this year I took on the task of really decorating a cake for Sara Ellen.
~We also favor classic names, the kind that grow with a person, the kind that is lovely in child- and adulthood. Classic names, modest dressing, reasonable table manners, and a loving respect for our “ancient ancestors”.
It’s said that to envision a significant other older, one needs only to consider his or her parent of the same sex. This may be true, but I happen to share many physical features with my father. We three Helms children reflect both our parents, but my brother and I both share our father’s body type, particularly in the face and legs. He has a quiet intelligence, surprising humor and laugh, a gentle disposition and respect for others. I like to think I share these in addition to our interests in history. As for his passion for trains, we took in a lots of excursions, travel, and museums. This has left me with comfort in the gentle rocking, watching landscapes passing (also an outcome of road trips), and the sound of a distant whistle. I can’t spend hours in air or rail museums, but a walk through is interesting. He is just as comfortable in companionable silence as my mother which makes for a good match, something that features in my own marriage. It’s also said that women often look for traits in men that are paternally reminiscent. This only makes sense in good father/daughter relationships but it seems to apply in others as well. A couple unlooked-for traits that Tim and my father share: very loud yawns and loud outbursts of laughter. As a [pre]adolescent, Dad took me out after school concerts for slurpees or we’d have movie dates (I particularly remember “Ghost Dad” while visiting grandparents in Richmond, VA). For Christmas, we each received 3 presents and Dad always picked out one of those. His family is very important to him, nurturing those relationships. This is definitely something I encourage in Tim when he hasn’t had enough time with Sara Ellen so that she won’t be too “shy at him” in the evening.
I tend to think I’ve had a pretty ideal childhood, expanding into a pretty ideal adulthood. I’m extremely grateful for the family I’ve been given, the one I came from, and the one I’m growing.
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