“Prevention of Spoiled Children”
Hooray for Bayside Pediatrics in Annapolis! At all regular visits (i.e. the 3 year visit) a handout is given to parents with general information pertaining to the age of your child. I read through much of it and found the information to be in line with my ideas. Most exciting was their section “what is a spoiled child?” So frequently people talk about spoiling their young family member. What they mean is they are going to take them to have fun, buy clothes, toys, and food, whatever. Those things within reason, plus giving love, are not child spoilers. I could write this all in my own words, but my purpose was to share the information from the handout. Enjoy.
What is a spoiled child?
A spoiled child is undisciplined, manipulative, and unpleasant to be with much of the time. He behaves in many of following ways by the time he is 2 or 3 years old:
* Doesn’t follow rules or cooperate with suggestions.
* Doesn’t respond to “no”, “stop”, or other commands.
* Protests everything.
* Doesn’t know the difference between his needs and his wishes.
* Insists on having his own way.
* Makes unfair or excessive demands on others.
* Doesn’t respect other people’s rights.
* Tries to control people.
* Has a low tolerance for frustration.
* Frequently whines or throws tantrums.
* Constantly complains about being bored.
What is the cause?
The main of cause of spoiled children is lenient, permissive parenting. Permissive parents don’t set limits and they give in to tantrums and whining. If parents give a child too much power, the child will become more self-centered. Such parents also rescue the child from normal frustrations. Sometimes a child is cared for by a nanny or baby sitter who spoils the child by providing constant entertainment and by giving in to unrealistic demands.
The reason some parents are too lenient is that they confuse the child’s needs (for example, for feeding) with his wishes (for example, for play). They don’t want to hurt their child’s feelings or hear him cry. They may choose the short-term solution of doing whatever prevents crying which, in the long run, causes more crying.
A child’s ability to cry and fuss deliberately to get his way usually begins at about 5 or 6 months of age. There may be a small epidemic of spoiling in our country because some working parents feel guilty about not having enough time for their children. To make up for this, they spend their free time together trying to avoid the friction that setting limits might cause.
The difference between giving children the attention they need and spoiling them can be unclear. In general, attention is good for children. However, it can become harmful if it is excessive, given at the wrong tome, or always given immediately. Attention from parents is excessive if it interferes with a child’s learning to do things for himself and deal with life’s frustrations. Giving attention when you are busy because your child demands it is an example of giving attention attention at the wrong time. Another example is when a child is throwing a tantrum and needs to be ignored. If attention is always given immediately, your child won’t learn to wait.
Holding and cuddling are a form of attention that some parents worry about unnecessarily. Holding babies is equivalent to loving them. In many cultures, parents hold their babies much more than we do in this country. Lots of holding does not spoil a child.
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That last part is especially important. Giving love is not spoiling. Withholding love in the form of affection and time also spoils a child. I don’t agree with the pediatrician’s wording that play is a wish. Children do have a need for the kind of play that strengthens their bodies and minds. Play is a child’s work. Playing video games for hours *could* spoil their minds and bodies. Also, while children (and all people) do *need* food, eating too much food that does not help them grow is spoiling. Why would someone make that choice, to buy and serve food that spoils bodies? Tim and I are trying to feed ourselves and Sara Ellen in a wholesome way, and only occassionally enjoy treats, in other words, foods that do not help us grow healthfully. When I hear some relatives talking about spoiling Sara Ellen, as I said, they usually mean taking her out and buying her food or things. One, I don’t like the idea that this kind of spoiling is a good thing. Buying things is nice but buying her something everytime they/we are together or go out will spoil her into expecting this. Spending time with her, playing together, going for walks, does not spoil her. I would prefer that this kind of love is given her.
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